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The Ramblings of me
...god help you...
So, I have a baby now!! She was born on Jan 5th (my dads bday too, haha). It was kind of a rough road. Had some major complications during labor and ended up having an emergency c-section. The baby almost died, I almost died... It was scary. But were both here and healthy thanks to Dr Dixon!! She was 6 lb 13 oz and 19.7 inches long... She is so beautiful!!

Anyway, I hear her stirring, so I will update more later!
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Well, for those of you that dont know yet, ITS A GIRL!!! I knew it was, haha... but I couldnt be happier. She is moving around like crazy in there too... Man, I wish Robert were here to experience this with me. But I know I will see him in our daughter every day...

I went out this past weekend and bought a bunch of baby clothes. Lots of cute little skirts and stuff for next summer. I cant wait to have her! Only a few more months haha... It is amazing how much i already love her, and I havent even seen her. But feeling a baby move inside you is like nothing you can imagine (unless, of course, youve felt it before)

Anyway... my job is still going great. My boss is amazing and I love her!! Life is starting to get a little easier i guess.. Of course I still have my moments where I just dont think I will make it without Robert. And honestly, I probably wouldnt be here if I werent pregnant. But everything happens for a reason...

The only thing thats really got me down today is that my grandmother is in the hospital. She has had a couple heart attacks in the past, and this week they have been having a lot of trouble regulating her blood pressure. So she had to go to the ER today, and its not looking good... But she is a very strong woman and I have faith that she will pull through!

Hope everyone is doing well!!!
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I find out what my baby is on thursday (the 11th). Im so excited it ridiculous... For some reason I think its a girl, but we will see...

So life has been crazy. I started working at the Department of Children and Families as a Criminal Intelligence Technician. I love it. I have actually been working a lot of overtime, just cause i like being there. And cause i need the money of course. But my boss (Kortney) is so cool, and I love her.

I think my parents are finally becoming OK with the idea of me keeping the baby. They arent happy about it by any means, but they are trying to accept it. I think they are having a hard time because they dont think I can do it by myself, but I know I can. I know that Robert will always watch over me and the baby and he wont let anything bad happen to us. Its going to be hard without him, but that doesnt mean it will be impossible.

Well, other than the job and being pregnant, there isnt much else going on. But anyway, ill update when i find out what the baby is!!!
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Well, I guess some days are better than others... I have been feeling alright for the most part lately. I got a new job that I love, and I got to relax a lot this weekend. But when I went to sleep last night everything changed. All I dreamed about was him. He was here, back in my life, and everything was perfect. We were so happy, and all we talked about was the baby. We talked about names, where we were going to live, and how our lives were going to be great from here on out. I woke up with a smile on my face and reached out to grab his hand only to realize that he wasnt there... I immediately started crying. I yelled at myself for getting emotional. Its not like I didnt know he was gone. Hell, it will be 3 months tomorrow... 3 months, wow... Its so hard to believe. Sometimes I feel like the pain is just too much. And then sometimes I am able to force it out of my mind. I dont know how it has been 3 months and I have yet to deal with this. It sucks that we never got to experience all the happiness we deserved together. I wish he had realized how much he had to live for. I would give anything in this world to have him back in my life. God, I cant take this... I dont think I will ever get better........
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You can talk all the shit about me you want to, and I couldnt give a shit less. But the second you say something bad about him, its over. You might as well scratch me off your list forever. Who are you to judge him? And to determine whether or not he loved me? Quite frankly, its none of your god damn business. Im sorry that you couldnt stand that I still love him, regardless of the fact that he isnt here anymore. He knew me better than anyone else that has ever been a part of my life. And he is the only person that ever truly loved me. So all I can say to you, Mike, is FUCK YOU... You were supposed to always be there for me, to protect me, and all that other bullshit. But I guess you turned out to be just as shitty as everyone else in this world. And for you to try to put all of this on me is crap. I have been pushing you away? I tried to be honest with you, and you just didnt want to hear it. Thats not my fault. To be honest, I have gotten sick of worrying about you. I dont need to worry about everything thats going on in your life right now. I have enough on my plate. But it seemed like it was a competition with you. "Who has it worse, Mike or Jami?"

Fuck this, Im done. I dont need the tears, I dont need the stress. I guess I dont need you. I dont want anyone in my life that speaks an ill word about the man I love. He was more intelligent and had more to offer this world than anyone else could ever hope to have. Im sorry if you felt like you were in a competition with him or something. But Jesus, its only been 2 months since he died, and you expect me not to think about him? Im carrying his baby! What do you expect? And If I recall correctly, I remember you getting incredibly pissed when another one of my "friends" said something about him not caring about me and blah blah blah. But once again, you are the ultimate hypocrite. Why didnt I see it sooner?

Alright, I have wasted enough of my time on this bullshit.
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So Im still here, and getting fatter by the second... I decided today that even though I am pregnant, there is no reason for me to get ridiculously fat... So I spent 2 hours exercising and doing my pilates for abs DVD... And then what did I do immediately afterwards?? Ate a pint of chocolate ice cream... Real smart, right? Anyway, I couldnt help myself. I was starving and it was practically the only food in the house.. Oh well. At least I tried.

Well, Im beginning to experience my insomnia again. For some reason I just cant sleep anymore. Every time I do manage to doze off for a few minutes, I just end up having yet another nightmare. I thought life would be getting easier by now. I thought id be able to function without breaking down and crying when I see or hear something that reminds me of him. But I should have known better. I loved him too deeply to forget so soon. I dont know if things will ever be better... I wish I could talk to his parents. There are so many things going on that they need to know about. I want them to be excited about their grandchild. But I understand why they arent. I just wish I had some kind of support, ya know? Someone who believes I can do this. cause right now, im not even sure i believe in myself.

Anyway, life is still crazy, but hopefully things will get better soon.
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Wow, its been a while since Ive updated... Things are going OK I suppose. I had my first prenatal appointment on June 6th, and I found out I was only 9 weeks, so that was kind of disappointing. But I still got an ultrasound, which was awesome... I could see the little heartbeat and everything. Brooks went with me, and I was so thankful. I would have hated to be there alone, especially for my first appointment. So he got to see the first ultrasound, and Dr Obryan gave me 2 pictures, so I let Brooks keep one.

Anyway, my birthday was this week, Tuesday in fact. So Im officially not a teenager anymore. I had a pretty low key bday. Went to my parents house and had dinner. Then last night, Mike took me to dinner which was nice.

I babysat tonight for the Nickels, and stayed and talked to Kim for a long time after she got home. We talked alot about Robert and my pregnancy, etc... I still miss him so much. I am trying to move on and look forward, but its like I cant do anything without thinking of him. I wish he could be here to celebrate this pregnancy with me, like I know he would. But when I am all alone, its hard to celebrate because I am so scared. I am beginning to feel more and more like I will not be able to provide for the baby. It makes me feel guilt that you cant even imagine... Im so confused.

Ugh, I gotta go to bed. I think I have a kidney infection and I cant take the pain anymore. Goodnight, and ill update soon.
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I didnt realize until this weekend how much I still think about him. And I also didnt realize how much pain I am still holding inside. John was is town this weekend, and he stayed with Bonnie and I. When it was just me and him, we had a long talk about everything and the more I talked, the bigger the lump in my throat got. Its just so wierd, because I really feel like I have no one to talk to about everything. I thought I was doing OK, but the past few night I have just laid in bed and cried about everything. Im so scared right now. I mean hell, im having a baby in 7 months and I dont know WHAT Im gonna do. Its just so frustrating because I want my child to have an amazing life. But how am I going to juggle everything? I know I will get everything worked out eventually, but right now I feel completely alone. And thats really not a good feeling. Anyway, i gotta lay down. Thinking hurts too much
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I feel like a dumbass.. I had no idea what had been said and I am so sorry I was insensitive. I should learn not to get my stories from other people.... I hope they will forgive me.

So anyway, I have discovered that being pregnant really is not very much fun. Im always tired, and ive been naseaus most of the time im awake. In fact, I threw up while driving today, that was a treat. But it will all be worth it in the end... Ugh, Im having a hell of a time trying to get insurance. I think its hopeless. And if i ever get the insurance thing settled, the next thing i have to do is find a new car. I dont think it ever ends.

Well, i have a ton more to say, but i need to try to get something in my tummy. More soon
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OK, I'm still alive yall... Im just here to give you another look at my crazy life... So about a month ago, I moved in with Bonnie at her parents house. Things were crazy at my house, and I needed somewhere to stay until Bonnie and I moved into our new house (which now happens to be 12 short days away). So her parents have been really awesome and let me stay here... But yeah, about our new house. We found it and instantly fell in love with it. We signed the lease over a month ago even though the house wasnt available until April 9th. But we figured that would give us time to save up plenty of money and all that.. So anyway, everyone needs to come see it. It's off of Stone Road, so its right in the middle of everything. I'm SO excited!!!

In other news, I was talking to Leo yesterday, and apparently Morritz has moved to Jacksonville and is living with an ex girlfriend or something?? I was like WTF?!?! Sometimes I dont understand him... ANd then, on top of that, Leo is moving after summer semester (probably to california). And Im assuming once Leo is gone, Alex will have no reason to stay here... Man, I'm gonna miss my boys!! Oh, and my angel, Mike Hanson, said HE might be moving soon too!! Im gonna be all alone...

OK, so I have a new boyfriend too... Its wierd how things just fell into place, because I went to high school with him and I had a huge crush on him in 11th grade, but he had a girlfriend. And after he graduated (which was a year before me) I hadnt talked to him at all. Then about a month and a half ago, Bonnie and I made a trip out to Gainesville for John Daw's 21st birthday, and Robert was there. It was just instant, and the next thing I knew, I had a boyfriend. He's great though. He took me, Bonnie and John out to dinner on Friday night, and then Bonnie and I drug the boys out to Stetsons, haha... It was hilarious. But I had a good time...

Anyway, thats about it for now. Hope everyone is doing OK. XOXOXO love yall!!
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